Jason Doesn’t Know Whore

–noun

1.	a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet.

I’m not saying I don’t see the appeal.

I’m just wondering why guys have to tell me about it.

There’s a lass I text on occasion. Being the vacant vanilla bullshit broad that she is, she will be referred to as “BabyGurl.” She’s a self-admitted tease, has been raped recently, and I’m not dim enough to not associate the behavior with the event. However, I also believe that bitches talk shit. It’s not that I question the likelihood of every girl in the US having been raped by the age of 15. It’s just that, with that kind of prevalence, it’s kind of like me trying to milk being a child of divorce.

Anyway, I’m just ending my evening stroll when someone calls me restricted. I’m not saying it was her, but… come on. His name is “Jason.”

me “Hello?”
Jason “Do you know BabyGurl?”
me “Uh, maybe?”
Jason “She texts you a lot.”
me, still legitimately baffled about whom he’s referring to “Uhhh…”
Jason “She added you on yearbook.”
me, getting a touch fed up “Yeah, okay.”
Jason “I’m going to kill her.”
me “That’s rude.”
Jason “What would you do if I killed her?”
me “Probably never find out about it.”
Jason “What?”
me “I’m a dude off the internet bro, who’s going to inform me of her demise? You? I don’t even know who you are.”
Jason “I’m… uh… Jason.”
me “You’re a shining flower, aren’t you?
Jason “Huh?”
me “You’re a shitting fuck, aren’t you?”

Jason “…What if I just beat the fuck out of her?”
me “Still rude.”
Jason “I beat her before.”
me “Congratulations. You’re a man.”
Jason “Ya. I beat her cuz she wouldn’t have sex with me.”
me “Ooh. A real man.”
Jason “I’m going to rape her right now.”
me “Have fun with that.”

Some time passes after “he” hangs up with me. I’m back inside. I’m on the computer. My pants are off, etc. Texting commences, it’s BabyGurl telling me that he kicked her, he’s chasing her, “I’m hiding.” Whatever. I ask who is doing all of this, she says nevermind and that she has to go. Maybe she just got home and she wants to go take her pants off, too.

Or maybe she doesn’t because she doesn’t take her pants off for anyone. More texts:

“its jason”

me “Okay.”
Jason “do u think BabyGurl ugly?”
me “No.”
Jason “yea she is & don’t u think she fat?”
me “Well if her booty is as ghetto as she claims it is, then probably.”
Jason “would u date her?”
me “Only if she never had sex with me”

Jason “wat did i ask u again?”
me “If I’d marry her or something.”
Jason “u wuld marry her?”
me “Maybe.”
Jason “but u guys would have ugly children cus she ugly”
me “So you are an idiot. Glad we re-established that.”
Jason “i kno i am but u dont care bout her”
me “Are you going to make a point?”

Stupid question.

Jason “no”
me “I didn’t think so.”

Of course not.

Jason “yup me ither bye btw here da damn ugly whore”

I wait a few minutes to see if BabyGurl says some shit. Nothing.

me “Haha. He doesn’t know what a whore is.”

Popularity: 5% [?]

I Hate Listening

Music not really a good topic to talk to me about. I typically hate it. I find it to be distracting.

For the most part, now that I think about it, I just hate to listen. This extends further than simply lack of musical taste, however, into other areas. I prefer older games with written dialog (or even older games with no dialog at all) so I can mute the fucker, I prefer foreign films because when I download them illegally they come with subtitles, and silent films because… duh.

And this was because I find music distracting from whatever I’m trying to pay attention to. If I’m playing a game, I’m trying to kill things. If I’m watching a movie, I like to be able to think about the plot, or appreciate the choreography. To establish the necessity for this as clearly as possible: Resident Evil, Memento, Buster Keaton. I’ll get into why I hate attempts at storytelling in video games another time. Suffice to say that the voice in my head doesn’t speak loudly and does not like being spoken over.

However, lately it seems this voice has quieted. No longer merely a rambling whisper, it seems to have silenced entirely. The angry, critical inner-Editor-in-Chief has apparently stepped down. I’m much more at ease, and unfortunately much stupider than I once was.

Which means I can now enjoy some tunes.

I’ve started by downloading a bunch of discographies, and listening to albums through once, saving only the songs that are immediately of interest to me on the first listen.

Thus begins the “First Listen” portion of my iPod finally getting used for something other than porn.

Popularity: 5% [?]

Batman Pillow Talk

There’s an interesting relationship that lies between “dating” and “just fucking.” It’s certainly not “friends with benefits” but it’s definitely not a loveless marriage, either.

The girl I speak of, henceforth, will be referred to as Columbia. We sang through Rocky Horror Picture Show together and have been screwing ever since. It’s that awesome kind of relationship that spawns the following conversation regarding the sorry state of current Bale-era bullshit Batman.

Following the usual activities, we stared at the ceiling and began what is best approximated as pillow-talk spliced with geek. The topic floated gently from the ridiculous mullet-state of my hair (I note that I have this mullet and not that mullet. Can’t tell what difference is? Fuck you, that’s what.) to the inevitable topic of The Bat. You see, Columbia hates Christian Bale. A lot. I think he’s just great.

Postcoital I’ve never argued it again. We move past that and into what’s really concerning her at this point.

Columbia: There’s not really much more they can do with Batman films. Sillybat, Adam West; Burton did Seriousbat; Failbait was Schumacher; and Douchebat is Christian Bale.
Me: They could always bring in Diederich Bader as Batman.
Columbia: OH MY FUCKING YES. AND BRING BACK JIM CARREY!
Me: Always bring back Jim Carrey.
Columbia: Always.

Me: We’re missing a totally different side to Batman in film, though, and given how ‘dark’ we’ve gotten thus far I think it’s appropriate.
Columbia: Serious or silly?
Me: Takes-itself-too-seriously silly. I submit Mickey Rooney as Batman.
Columbia: HAHAHA, PEDOPHILE ANGLE! YES!!
Me: We’re going to get Jim Carrey and Eddie Murphy for all the villains. Except one.
Columbia: Are you going to play one? You cannot be Robin. (She has a very serious face.)
Me: We need someone who can foil Mickey Rooney. We need another old guy.
Columbia: CHRISTOPHER WALKEN!!
Me: Been done, unfortunately, and I can’t be resurrecting all the old actors.
Columbia: So is that why you have Eddie Murphy instead of Carl Weathers?
Me: Well, mostly.

Columbia: You don’t think Carl Weathers would be an awesome Killer Croc?
Me: …That’s a good point, I guess.
Columbia: You guess?
Me: I mean, sure he’s got the girth now, as well as obvious muscularity underneath it to drive home the fact that he’s strong as hell, but…
Columbia: What?
Me: Mickey Rooney is Batman.
Columbia: So?
Me: I’m going to have to make them dub eachother’s lines. If this were a legitimate movie I would definitely rather have Rooney voice Jones.
Columbia: If you’re going to do voice over anyway, Killer Croc should be CGI.
Me: And model it from Carl Weathers?
Columbia: Samuel L. Jackson is Nick Fury.
Me: But that’s an insult to Nick Fury. (She hates SamJack.)
Columbia: Carl Weathers is not an insult to Killer Croc.
Me: Weathers deserves better than Croc.
Columbia: So you’re going to have Weathers in the movie then?
Me: NO. DAMN IT.

Columbia: So who is the mystery foil, then?
Me: Batman’s most powerful antagonist ever.
Columbia: Who, or what?
Me: One word. DIABEETUS.

Popularity: 57% [?]

Start Date

One year ago, today, I started dating.

The Girl is on the Left

Popularity: 13% [?]

Overtrained

In preparation for my film rehearsal, I did what has always caused me problems in the past: dropping what I’m doing to do a depletion cycle.

Did it work? In all the ways expected plus one. I looked as lean as I could without losing any fat (sucks to not lose fat, but I had less than a week) and I got sick (sucks to be sick but I anticipate it happening now.) However, due to the fact that my typical routine is HIT every-other-day, the shift was radical. High-carb to no-carb for three days, the depletion workout on the first day was high volume, and then I attempted to go right back to HIT (a mistake I did on purpose, I reduced reps but kept the weight, this still was bad) on my third depletion day when I probably could have done better with cardio.

I think the sauna was a bad idea, too. I don’t think it caused the fever I’m having, but damn am I blaming it. The kind of cold I feel is the same difference as walking out of that sauna into the locker room. Brrr.

Furthermore, I’m going to cease my ephedrine/caffeine stack until my face clears up. I’ve had two major zits I’ve lanced (one is starting to look like a wart, and another looks like a wart in development without misrepresentation as a zit) and my forehead is all broken-out. I have until the middle of September to fix the issues of: illness, zitness, and fatness.

I need more sleep now.

Popularity: 5% [?]