YOR LOSIN MUSCLES BRO

Posted: December 18th, 2009 | Author: ERIC | Filed under: Chat | Tags: Personal Training | No Comments »

Ahah. Brother.

Today was an interesting day at the gym. I overate on carbs last night, couldn’t sleep (one caused the other y’know?) and I had mounting reasons on both sides to both go and not go to the gym today, the major one being some “appointment” with a personal trainer (Andy) I had shoved up my ass on deadlift day earlier this week. I figured rather than try to go back to dreamland and getting kicked out by Mariusz again, I’d man up and go to the gym. So I did.

Despite overeating last night I wolfed down a protein bar before I left for the gym. I’m sure my overall milk protein intake was more than adequate but, hey, whatever. Got into the gym, changed into the usual attire, and weighed in two pounds heavier than earlier this week. Acceptable water difference, especially since I hadn’t fully digested (this means poop) two boxes of granola yet. Especially since I haven’t fasted at all this week, and am probably barely skirting maintenance if I’m anywhere close to it. Moving on before I trick myself into depression.

I mosey on over to the literal center bench (not the most visible bench, a neighboring incline has this distinction) and knock out a few warm-up sets. I notice a familiar blond head darting around me, it’s Lynn, presumably circuit training while she waits for me to fail on my top set so she can swoop in and save my ass. I decide to test this assumption, and deliberately attempt a third rep I know I won’t make. Three Ms. Reps later, and I rack. She grabs my ass while I deload. The peak of my workout.

I later notice some other guy grab her ass, probably her husband, and I debate grabbing his ass but then I realize this isn’t high school and he can probably hit worth a damn.

She introduces me to “Bruce,” we shake hands (grip affirms my disinterest in being punched by the giant,) and he makes some half-snide remark about my sub-100 bench as they leave. Nevertheless, his name is Bruce. I don’t fuck with guys/girls named Bruce.

SO! I go about the rest of my chest, relatively uninterrupted. I note some decent carb-bestowed progress on all three lifts. Recovering from my final set of flys, I think: “Maybe I should do calves. I threw in those cable crunches on back day,” and while calves dissimilarly has no justification (abs stabilize for pretty much anything,) they ARE being neglected.

Today I had a whole depletion program, sans chest since it’s chest day, written out to hopefully offset SOME of the carby damage I’ve dealt myself. Which would have included calves if I hadn’t been interrupted.

Sadly, I only manage to complete lats and delts before my appointment arrives late. He admits it was all his fault though, he’s new, doesn’t understand the area that well or whatever, fine. I was more thrilled with the fact that he didn’t jerk off on my chest, but hey, at least I know if he’s WRONG he’s HONEST (which has the unfortunate result of BELIEVABILITY for the more ignorant trainees out there.)

I was doing empty barbell squats with a little too much enthusiasm and I think I pulled my butt anyway, so let’s chat about fat loss, or whatever.

I Wanna Help You Out Bro: TRAINING

Andy: Okay, first thing I want you to do is outline your current program. You said you do two days a week?
Eric: Yeah.
A: Okay. So, I just want to see where your head is at. Day one, day two.
E: You want warm-ups and rep schemes in there too or…?
A: You said you do high-intensity low-volume right? Unless you NEED to be more specific, that should be fine.

E: …Well, usually, it’s deads, chins, and rows on ‘day one,’ and I recently added cable crunches to that. ‘Day two’ is flat and incline bench, with incline flys at the end.
A: So you’re missing… hamstrings, biceps, glutes, hips, and calves.
E: . . .
A: You look confused.

E: Calves I’ll give you. I don’t get anything else.
A: What do you need explained?
E: How am I working triceps? (BAITED. QUESTION.)
A: They assist on your benching.

E: So you understand muscle synergists and stabilizers?
A: Haha yeah.
E: …and I’m NOT working biceps?
A: You don’t use your biceps when you bench.
E: You DON’T?
A: Haha, it’s okay, that’s what trainers are for man.

I Say “Sugar-Coat” In Reference To: DIETING

A: Do you know your body   fat   percentage?
E: Probably around 18%… (I just assumed because 17.7% + water = more)
A: *he is looking at my training log* Is this today’s weight?
E: What page are you open to?
A: Today.
E: *just lets that sink in for a moment*

He’s setting up that diode holdy thing I usually use to check my body fat. I could have just done this for him, instead of answering his questions, but where’s the fun in that? Really.

A: Are you happy with this weight?
E: Not at all.
A: How much weight would you like to lose?
E: Fifteen pounds’d be keen.

Quietly holding the instrument parallel to my heart. I’m halfway to being a Scientologist guys!!!

A: What’s the top number?
E: Eighteen.
A: Exactly?
E: *I turn and show it to him, all kinds of smug, but trying really hard to emanate that “gee willickers!” aura)

A: Alright so what we do is take your current body   fat   percentage (I want to stress the fact that he spaces these words out, as though it’s a really complicated term), and subtract what you want to be at from it, to determine how much weight you have to lose. Most guys your height are pretty cut at about 9%. So 18 – 9 is 9.

(Did I mention he got a calculator out for this? Even the subtraction part.)

A: So 9 percent times 160 is 14.4 pounds of fat.
E: . . .
A: You look confused.
E: I’m trying to decide if you disproved something or not.

A: I’m saying you can lose FAT, but you don’t have to necessarily lose WEIGHT. Are we on the same page now?
E: We’re at least in the same chapter.
A: Haha okay.
E: Really, what I’m trying to do RIGHT NOW is diet down. I’m not really trying to build muscle here.

(I take the calculator and keep it turned so he can read it: 160 – 15 = 145)

E: That’s my goal for the next four to six months.
A: But you’re going to lose muscle that way.
E: I can live with six-tenths of a pound of muscle-loss on my conscience. (I know this probably isn’t what he meant, but he doesn’t refute this specifically.)

A: If you train correctly, you don’t have to lose ANY muscle.
E: I’m training the way I do to maintain a functional amount of mass, so I can stay as strong as I am. When I want to rebound into a purely anabolic phase, I won’t have to waste time and potential fat gain recovering lost ground.

It’s Called A Program

A: Do you know what metabolism is?
E: Long or short answer?
A: Short is fine.
E: ...Yes.
A: It’s the amount of calories you burn at rest.
E: “Resting metabolism.”

A: Do you know how many calories a pound of muscle burns per day?
E: A nickel.
A: FIFTY! If you put on ten pounds of muscle, you burn an extra 500 calories a day at rest. That’s a pound of fat a week! (Wow! I’m excited about a NEW and EASY weight loss strategy FOR YOU!)
E: Why don’t I just… “not eat 500 calories” at rest, every day? Isn’t that still a pound of fat a week? You want me to waste a year putting on ten pounds of muscle so I can sit around around one week and burn a pound of fat? I can sit around and burn a pound of fat starting in four hours if I finish this workout at 1PM.

A: It won’t take you a year to put on ten pounds of muscle (probably true), and I can guaran-fucking-tee you you won’t lose any weight by dieting (swearing doesn’t make you right.)

E: You’re saying if I don’t introduce a 3500-calorie deficit, regardless of source, I won’t lose fat?
A: You’ll lose weight, but it won’t be all fat.
E: Weight I put ON won’t be all muscle, either.
A: Yes it will, I’ve seen it, with the right program all the weight you put on will be muscle.

E: I can’t afford those kinds of drugs.
A: Not drugs.
E: Okay “program,” whatever you want to call it.

For my own sanity I’ve omitted repeat instances of the phrases “I’m not going to sugar-coat it,” “I am [related to/friends with/coworker of/personally] a professional,” “guaran-fucking-tee,” and similar. There were a lot of places in our conversation where he referring to things I said as “myths.” Essentially, this is any time I made a conservative estimation. I know I can conceivably lose fat faster than a pound a week/gain more than ten pounds of muscle in a year, but do I number-crunch for it?

Abso-fucking-lutely not.

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