Shit Hard

ITT: Why we train.
1) To be more like Batman. Pic Related.
2) To increase chances of survival in zombie apocalypse.
3) To be different from all the fat people in the world.

I like to shit hard.

I mean, I don’t mind when I shit soft, but I like to squat deep and crunch my abs in the bathroom and SCREAM. Just hollar out blood-curling yelps of agony as I fully assault the cauldron with my shitblasts.

Before I trained I would get tired, my legs would quiver and I’d soon find myself seated. No longer. Now I strut into the women’s bathroom (male here) and kick open a stall and just SHIT. I fucking wreck a toilet. You know how sometimes you lean too far forward while shitting explosively that it pellets the entire back of the bowl?

I put my feet on the seat and I spray the WALL. I get the back of the toilet, all over the handle and shit. God damn. I don’t even wipe.

I piss on the toilet paper.

Then I walk out of there, I don’t put my pants back on. I’m layered in my own shit from the hips down and I can’t be getting that in my pants. So what I do is, what I do is I go in to the mens bathroom and I squat (second set) into the sink.

I run some hot water over my buttcrack to rinse off my butt hairs. But I also get some paper towel, and I clean up the other poopsplats that rebounded onto my ankles and such.

That’s what I train for.

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Contradicting My Own Cunt

Well having just finished another exercise in dullery over the course of a weekend I’ve now acknowledged my pattern of eating.

Which appears to be undereating on workout days, fasting between those, and then overeating like fuck-all on the other days.

Anyway I’ve been crashing into sleep recently and managed to find myself in the position of ‘if you don’t write it now you’re going to have to post THREE workouts at once after tomorrow.’

So here we go.

Choke on it.

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BigGame

Still sick. I wanted to start fasting today, but it just didn’t happen. I ate pretty much the entirety of my maintenance calories for breakfast and then slowly adding on top of that throughout today. Blah.

Tomorrow will probably be my last day of over-maintenance eating, if I go above maintenance at all.

I just got my Yohimbine HCL in the mail, too, so I’m going to begin taking that tomorrow. Probably before I work out.

I’m going to write up my workout for Saturday so I don’t have one of those annoying doubled-up posts. I don’t get to yammer as much about nothing when I do those. So I don’t like them. Saturday I did a couple sets of direct arm work: triceps, biceps, and wrist extensors. I’ll probably only do direct arm stuff every other workout, though, to sidestep worries of overtraining them.

I might work wrist flexors next time. My hands seem to finally be in line with my forearms so I can try adding a bit of mass there without worrying about my hand idly slapping the white part of my arm.

Workout for Saturday, March 20, 2010

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Feversore

Believe me, nothing is trivial.

I am sick. First time this year. It’s destroying my diet.

I worked out anyway. Headcold I told myself. Whatever.

Workout for Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Pulldown

1. 45lbs x 5
2. 45 x 6
3. 50 x 5
4. 70 x 3
5. 90 x 2
6. 110 x 3 (form is good, weight stays)
7. 100 x 4 (form is good, weight stays)
8. 90 x 5 (EASY, weight increases)

Incline Press

1. 45lbs x 5
2. 45 x 5
3. 45 x 5
4. 60 x 3
5. 75 x 2
6. 90 x 5 (easy, increase)
7. 75 x 6 (good, increase)

Something I have to note, though, is that the weight jumps on the incline machine only go 15lbs. at a time. I really don’t think I’m going to be able to push 105lbs., but I also think 90lbs is too easy for this rep range, so I’ll just try to get in one or two more reps. I’ll set the ceiling for this lift at 8 reps at the present weight. A 15-pound jump would be an increase of nearly 16%, which would probably knock out like six reps from the previous weight. So I’ll wait until I could crank out at least two reps before I attempt an increase. My math kind of sucks.

Lateral Raises

1. 30lbs x 3
2. 45 x 2
3. 55 x 8 (easy, increase)
4. 50 x 6 (okay; increase)
5. 45 x 6.5 (was getting weak but still more than five reps, increase!)

I abbreviated the warm-up for this exercise because my shoulders are already pretty warm, generally, from the first two exercises. This turned out to be a winning idea.

I was planning on doing twists but these black guys were having a threesome under the pulleys so I decided against that.

Met this cool dude working his anterior delts next to me, name’s BRIAN. He’s like twice my age and his shoulders are the size of my head. I like that guy. He was black too.

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Panda Bull

I woke up on my own in time to check my email and get my stuff for the gym ready. I went out, made my protein shake, and as I was drinking it noticed that my mom (ride to the gym) had left without me.

Mother…

So I called my dad and we ran a side errand and he dropped me off at the gym.

I get into the locker room, open my bag: didn’t put my notebook (workout log) in the bag.

…Fucker.

I decided to strike a balance between volume and intensity by testing my 5RM. I figured that today I’m ‘primed,’ carb-loaded but not weighed down, not tired, and only a little stressed/pissed off… which may have actually helped my cause anyway. I beat the shit out of myself in lieu of being capable of kicking anyone else’s ass.

I basically did straight sets until I couldn’t perform five reps. Then de-loaded for the following two sets as though I was reverse pyramiding as usual.

The top set weight is what I’ll be striving to MAINTAIN as I go further into my diet.

Workout for Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Pulldown

• Sets of 5: 45, 55, 70, 85, 100lbs.
• Set of 3: 115lbs. (form not so good, but adequate, I got it below my chin without curling it)
• Set of 5: 105lbs.
• Set of 7.5: 95lbs. (5-second hold on the half-rep)

Incline Press (Nautilus)

• Sets of 5: 20, 25, 30, 35, 45lbs.
• 1 rep: 60lbs.
• Set of 3: 50lbs.

I didn’t like the way my shoulders were feeling on this machine. It felt like I was activating too much of my lateral delts and not my pecs. I switched over to the machine next to it, which looked more like a wide-grip incline press setup. The weights weren’t as minutely customizable (no 5 or 10-pound jumps) but, form is key! The whole reason I’m switching over to machines is so that I can let form concerns be less on my ass than they otherwise would be.

Incline Press (Star Trac)

• 8 reps: 45lbs.
• Sets of 5: 60, 75lbs.
• 3 reps: 90lbs.
• 7 reps: 75lbs.
• 12 reps: 60lbs.

And so you see, only my top set can stay where it is. However, being that the jumps are only in 15-lb increments, the two deload sets have nowhere to go. I guess I’ll just rep it out like a madman, hah.

I decided to do some crunch machine to give my shoulders a bit a break. I don’t think that I’ll be doing abs on a regular basis, or, if I do, I want to see if I can find that ‘twist’ machine so I don’t just work this part of my core, and so that I don’t totally rape my shoulders trying to do them with cables.

Nautilus Crunch

• Sets of 5: 20, 35, 50, 65, 80, 95lbs. (the last set I noticed that the handgrips were too high and caused too much of my arms assist in the pull, so I raised the seat)
• Not even a rep: 100lbs.
• 5 reps: 95lbs.
• 6 reps: 90lbs.
• 11 reps: 85lbs. (WHEW!)

Lateral Raise

• Sets of 5: 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, 55, 60, 65, 70
• 1.5 reps: 75lbs.
• 3 reps: 70lbs.
• 4.5 reps: 65lbs. (held at halfway for a bit, didn’t count the length of the hold)

I skipped cardio for today. I was pretty beat and the workout already took about two hours. I don’t think I want to spend longer than two hours at a time in the gym if I don’t REALLY have to.

Weight: 164lbs.
Body Fat: 17.6% (I’m starting to get irritated by trying to get my hydration levels right!)

Condition: PRIMED! (new factor I’m recording, I don’t think I could have felt more ‘ready’ to work out than I did this morning.)

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The Daily Plate

[Warning: The below is one of those STATEMENT type posts. I try to only write posts for things that I HAVE ALREADY DONE rather than WISHAN, AN HOPEN. This post is an example of the latter/fail.]

I made this for deviantArt when I was a teenager.

You know, it’s really time to stop fucking around.

My diet is crap.

I’m so carb-loaded right now it hurts. Seriously. Nevermind the disgusting bloated look that comes from moderate constipation and carb-load powers combined. My muscles themselves feel overstuffed.

I might managed to knock out a set of chins at LBM tomorrow, lol.

I really want to do a depletion workout tomorrow to prep for tat-support tomorrow (hangings with the gal frand y’know.) But I’m also fuck-awesomely strong right now and I’d like to abuse it before I get into some kind of protein-sparing modified fast of insanity.

Which I full intend to do, starting Thursday, just in case she decides to make a pizza while I’m over. That happened last time. I feel like such a douchebag refusing to eat free pizza, so, JUST IN CASE, I’m saving the crash diet for Thursday.

What I’m probably going to do is the strength workout, rest a bit, depletion workout with lessened/eliminated volume on the body parts already hit.

WHICH REMINDS ME: I’m dropping deadlifts.

Yeah that’s right. I said it. (Please kill me.)

I just know that as soon as I deplete I’m going to be weaker than all hell and I just will not have the form necessary to feel good about myself deadlifting. Wavering deadlift performance has been the single most destructive factor to my dieting efforts, I’m sad to report. It’s my favorite life, but I just cannot be risking my back (literally) deciding between dieting and RAWR. RAWR always wins, but it’s not getting me any closer to my goals other than keeping my posture sexy.

My back is still a little sore from fucking up that ONE REP not too long ago. I was sick, granted, but that’s pretty much how glycogen depletion feels to me. Fucking sick.

Starting today, though, I’m back to legitimately recording my intake. I’ve been writing it down on paper for a long time since I’ve abandoned Windows (and by extension, FitDay) but I’ve not been tracking numbers and is really just a testament to how lax I can really be. I KNOW I’ve been eating to much, no foggy iffy memory about it. I’m fucking up, I’m not losing fat, and I’m only marginally stronger. This amounts to FAIL.

So I’ve signed up at the daily plate.

Today I don’t really care. I’m keeping myself loaded so tomorrow I can put up the biggest numbers on my three most important lifts to me (Pulldown, Incline Press, Lateral Raise) and then keep them there as I lose my artificial benefit. As much as I love carbs, this bloat is disgusting. I feel like a panda. I’m 165-170lbs. right now and I’m really hoping that a lot of that is water weight.

But I’m not retarded, either.

So I’m going to spend two days making sure I can get my calories in order, and then from Thursday on begin stripping carbs. Quicker the better, but I’m hoping by Monday of next week to be on a PSMF cycle and jogging my way to some relief from pandabelly.

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Moving the Blood Around

I haven’t been feeling so well lately, though I haven’t missed workouts because of it, it’s been making me feel obligated to eat a bit more, and this is bothersome.

Especially combined with constipation.

I have this mental habit of not allowing myself to vomit. I used to eat competitively (derp) and it’s just reflexive. Like those girls who deepthroat for a living get over their gag reflex, I can put a lot down my throat for the win.

So I’m just going to post up two workouts and leave it at that.

Workout for Thursday, March 4, 2010

This is a sequel workout to the one from “Show Prep.” I designed a full body workout for myself of moderate intensity for those days I’m just not feeling it. Those days I can’t lift heavy as a bitch nor have the stamina for a legitimate depletion workout.

After lifting poorly on Tuesday my deadlift muscles (lol, mostly lower back) were killing me and I decided to do some cardio at the end as well. So I skipped direct leg or ab work, aside from calf raises. I figured maybe getting the blood moving would relieve some soreness and make me feel okay about having more carbs that night.

Which I did.

• Calf Raise: [Warm-up: 2x5@15; 3@20; 2@45] 4×12 @ 60lbs. (increase) ~ left foot hurt like crazy afterward, but went away ten minutes later

• Chest Press: [Warm-up: 3@20; 2@25] 2×12 @ 30lbs. (increase)

• Pulldown: [Warm-up: 3@15; 2@25] 2×12 @ 40lbs. (really easy but felt GREAT; increase)

• Incline Chest Press: 2×12 @ 30lbs. (I didn’t make a note of difficulty, I’m going to increase it though)

• DB Curl: 2×12 @ 8lbs. (pretty easy until the last four reps; increasing)

• Cable Extension: 2×12 @ 7.5lbs/arm (significant effort on the last reps; not sure I want to increase it, given the exhaustion from pressing. I’m going to, though.)

Cardio: Bike, level 3, 25 minutes. Ending heart rate was about 123. I forgot to write down kcals or distance, but it actually started feeling like I was riding a bike. I’m going to go for increased time at the same level, next workout.

My body weight was 165lbs. Jesus. I need to poop.

I didn’t bother checking my body fat percentage.

The workout in total took just over an hour.

Workout for Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I felt absolutely horrible on Monday, and Tuesday was only just enough better to convince myself that I have no excuses to be missing workouts.

I paid for that.

Deadlift

1. 70lbs. x 5; hook-grip hang
2. 70lbs. x 5; h-gh
3. 105lbs. x 3; h-gh
4. 150lbs. x 2; from floor, hook-grip. Grip slipped though and became barely-overhand. Should have taken this as a sign. Thought nothing of it at the time.
5. 185lbs. x 1 (goal was five); fml right hand under

This coolbro doing squats next to me chatted about leg power with me. He was half-squatting 405lbs. for reps (I asked, and he said it felt like a house, which is absolutely true) so I didn’t really, you know, argue with him. I was also dying. Apparently he felt the same way, but we shitgrinningly optimistic’d through it and shook hands and introduced ourselves.

His name is Keen, and he’s apparently been seeing me come in consistently for a while. Good for him! I’ve never seen him before.

Nice guy though. I saw him leaning on the stick I use for shoulder dislocations and told him that “if you can’t walk on your own, man, you’re pressing too much!” (He had moved o nto doing bropressive amounts on that machine.) He laughed it off and proved he was okay.

Incline Bench

1. 45lbs. x 5
2. 45lbs. x 5
3. 45lbs. x 5
4. 60lbs. x 3
5. 80lbs. x 2 – started to feel ‘wrong’
6. 90lbs. x 1

I definitely got the weight up, but I didn’t feel right about the form I was using. I might not have been entirely wrong, or it could have been right, but I had my suspicions and I wasn’t about to make a bad thing worse. I proved to myself that my maximal strength is there, felt uneasy, and I stopped.

I think if I had done less warm-ups on my incline and rested a little longer I could have gotten all four of the reps I set up for myself today.

I did not fiddle with my loading to account for feeling unwell, I just loaded as usual and… essentially: if the way I’m feeling is just in my head, well, it’s infecting my confidence under the bar, too.

Hi-Lo Twists

1. 20lbs. x 5
2. 20lbs. x 5
3. 30lbs. x 4 ~ ugh, someone snags the other pulley. I like to check form in the mirror!
4. 40lbs. x 3
5. 50lbs. x 5 (excellence; increase)

I did more warm-up reps than I should have, but I was determined to get at least one of my exercises right today.

Which I totally did. Rawksome.

Cardio: Bike, level 2, 30 minutes, 5.12miles, 145kcal, average HR 120-125, even easier than the previous workout.

Weight: 160lbs.; 19.3% body fat (full of shit)

Workout took about an hour and a half of my life.

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