HAPPINESS ONLY REAL IF SHARED

Eric & Leah Komans: 01.22.09 - 04.02.10

This post is about Leah Barnhardt.

Good Friday marked the end of my relationship with this woman. We are nolonger anything but memories.

She told me that God spoke to her and said that I am evil and I must be removed from her life.

He’s right, as always.

I wrote her a letter I’m not going to send to her.

But here it is.

Dear Leah,

You’re too important to me for me to end our relationship on the very thing you cite as the reason you are leaving me. As much as I want to hold you and smell your hair and taste your lips for the last time, I won’t be that hypocritical.

You have your belief in God now, and if God has shown you that I am unfit to be your husband and unfit to be the father of your children, then I am going to have to respect that as your decision.

I have been here for you in this life for as long as you have allowed for the chief purpose of supporting you. We are parting ultimately for the same reason I’d part with anyone else: I’m nolonger necessary nor purposeful. I am not part of what makes you happy, nor needed to ensure your well-being. As such I am being left behind.

I am the embodiment and living example of weakness, fear, and desperation. In leaving me you leave weakness, in out-growing me you out-grow fear, and in casting me aside you cast aside desperation. I can understand why I am unfit. I am a painful reminder to you of your shortcomings. .

And so you will be, in time, a painful memory of mine. Of false hope and misplaced trust. My reminder that my search for a partner in life is not a quest that concludes with finding a person.

You found God, after all.

The blame is squarely mine. You were, when I found you, the type of person who was optimally primed to be accepting of my advances. You were, simply, pathetic.

But now you are not. You are a brilliant women with all the (admittedly uncomfortable) righteousness of your mother. Now that you are more like her, you might stop lying to her and to others about your father.

I am sure that when God matches you with your mate, you won’t have to lie about how you met him. You won’t be embarrassed by what a faggot he is, because he won’t be one. You won’t hate yourself for sleeping with him, because you’ve slept with me.

I thank you, though. You’ve dispelled the what-if-could-have fantasies I once lived with. My having never told Tiffany that I loved her or wanted to be with her, and my premature abandonment of Alex because I, like you, feared love. That was why I had taken you back. Alex never would take me back, and now I understand why. You don’t take the knife out so someone can stab you again. I probably would have just hurt her again, just like you are hurting me now. But that’s okay. Unlike her I am not scornful or vengeful over my losses and the exploitation of my vulnerability, because unlike her to me, I love you.

I thank you for your patience with me when I couldn’t do what was expected of me. I thank you for protecting me, even when I knew you were lying to me I bowed my head and smiled because you were holding the shield up for me. Only you could hurt me because you kept everything else out.

I thank you for all you’ve put me through. All the time I’ve lost, all the miles I’ve traveled just to see you. All the nights I worried about you. All the suffering I endured for you. Any or all of it could have been real, or you might have faked it from the very beginning, but I thank you for the experience. All of it. The good was the best I’ve ever had, and in light of it the bad doesn’t really exist. I thank you for that.

And I forgive you for breaking my heart.

I love you Leah.

Stay awesome.

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