Nothing in the Universe Applies to Me

I wasn’t even trolling this time, guys!

This fellow was flirting with me for probably about… four days. I guess. Yesterday I told him that I thought things were going too fast, and that I’d like him to back up considerably. He seemed to amiably agree, requesting a hard-restart to friends. Great! I can work with that. He’s a reasonable fellow listening to reason! I can SO be friends with that.

Eh-heh. Sure.

So I’ve spent most of today sleeping. I got out of bed quite a bit past noon (I had a workout scheduled for today, but with all the running around and carrying of things I did for mom yesterday, I didn’t get anywhere near enough recuperation and I was just not willing to drug myself through a four-hour depletion workout. I took most of today reconfiguring the next few weeks into being a different workout setup now that I’ve mostly-recovered from Summerfest binging. Then I had dinner with mom and watched Still Walking with her, a great little Japanese slice-of-life flick that…)

…my point is I haven’t been checking my phone today. Haven’t been doing much on the computer other than referencing dietary stuff.

I just checked my phone when this fellow AIM’d me. He pretty obviously implied that I’d been ignoring him, yet the only text I’d gotten was a “Where are you?” about an hour or so ago.

(11:25:47 PM) Matte: I love being ignored
(11:26:03 PM) Eric: Cool. I’ll do that then.

Sarcasm isn’t lost on me, folks. I’m very reflective.

(11:26:13 PM) Matte: Even though I did nothing to you?
(11:26:14 PM) Matte: Nice
(11:26:27 PM) Matte: Way to be rude

…Right.

(11:26:45 PM) Matte: Not only are you a coward then, you also have zero social skills
(11:27:11 PM) Matte: Because all I ever wanted to do was be friends and you’re responding with this kind of abuse
(11:27:12 PM) Matte: =\
(11:27:22 PM) Eric: Abuse? Touchy.
(11:27:29 PM) Matte: What would you call it then

I was going to say ‘neglect,’ but that’s a passive form of abuse. So I let it slide. I didn’t directly contradict his usage here anyway, just jabbed him for being… touchy.

(11:27:30 PM) Matte: ?
(11:27:37 PM) Matte: I’ve done nothing to you but be nice
(11:27:38 PM) Matte: =]
(11:27:46 PM) Eric: I’ve not done anything at all.
(11:27:53 PM) Matte: Mhmm, indeed you have

Indeed I have or have not done something?

(11:28:10 PM) Matte: You’re obviously upset with me for some reason

This wouldn’t have been true if he hadn’t said it. Really. I wasn’t upset with him.

(11:28:16 PM) Eric: Huh?
(11:28:30 PM) Matte: You haven’t talked to me at all since the other night
(11:28:35 PM) Eric: What’s your point?
(11:28:35 PM) Matte: On purpose
(11:28:42 PM) Matte: You’re avoiding me
(11:28:48 PM) Matte: And you have no reason to
(11:30:05 PM) Matte: For someone who tries to so hard to be in control of his emotions, you certainly are very out of touch with them =\

Alex was better at psycho-analyzing me. I had no reason to avoid him, and I wasn’t. Now I do, and am. Way to win that one, buddy.

(11:30:05 PM) Eric: I haven’t avoided you. I wouldn’t have you unblocked on my buddy list if I was avoiding you. I would have removed you from our social sites if I was avoiding you. I’m aware I have zero social skills, and as such, I lack capacity for thought-out spite-induced dedicated neglect.

The last sentence is a blatant lie, but everything before that was true when I said it.

(11:30:55 PM) Eric: I’m not in control of anything. I’m not in touch with my emotions on purpose.
(11:31:04 PM) Matte: That’s a severe weakness
(11:31:17 PM) Eric: That doesn’t bother me.
(11:31:21 PM) Matte: You would do well for yourself to remedy that
(11:31:27 PM) Eric: I’m alright.
(11:31:32 PM) Matte: Are not
(11:31:33 PM) Matte: =]

I don’t like people who use emoticons ironically. Hipster trash.

(11:31:51 PM) Eric: If it means I get into paranoid fits whenever someone doesn’t respond to me, I’ll pass.
(11:32:16 PM) Matte: The fact that you would even say that makes me even more right
(11:32:23 PM) Matte: And proves how socially retarded you are
(11:32:37 PM) Eric: I don’t care if you’re right. That wasn’t the point I was making.
(11:32:43 PM) Matte: You have a point?
(11:32:46 PM) Matte: Get to it then
(11:32:58 PM) Eric: Go away. I’m not avoiding you, I just have better things to do.

What is the point of proving what a retard I am? Troll alert.

(11:33:08 PM) Matte: What are you being so hostile for?
(11:33:32 PM) Eric: You wanted me to get to the point. It just seems hostile because you don’t like it.
(11:33:40 PM) Matte: No, you’re being hostile
(11:33:50 PM) Matte: And quite rude
(11:33:56 PM) Eric: Then go away.

Seriously. If I’m infringing so heavily upon your well-being by having a life, well… shit man. I’ve been trolled so hard today. Good show.

(11:34:02 PM) Matte: Because you agreed that we were going to start over and try to be friends
(11:34:12 PM) Matte: But obviously you don’t want that
(11:34:19 PM) Matte: So make up your mind, NOW
(11:34:30 PM) Matte: Because I refuse to be jerked around by the likes of you
(11:34:33 PM) Eric: This is how I treat my friends. They realize I have a life, that I do other things than talk to only them, and they wait.
(11:35:00 PM) Eric: You don’t. And I don’t have time for you if you’re going to whine to me.
(11:35:14 PM) Eric: So knock it off or I will be consciously avoiding you.
(11:35:25 PM) Matte: I’ll do whatever the fuck I please
(11:35:30 PM) Eric: Then good day, sir.
(11:35:34 PM) Matte: No rules in any universe exist that apply to me
Matte is typing…

You are now blocking Matte.

Aw, crap man. I blocked him too fast. Oops.

You know, as much as I want to say he was a troll, he really doesn’t quite earn the honor. He’s a queen. The vast majority of gay men that I’ve flirted/dated have been enormously pleasant, even if it didn’t work out for us. This boy was angry and wanted to project his frustrations on me for being another one of his failures.

That sucks, ya’ll.

I didn’t set out to troll him, and I almost believe he wasn’t trying to inflict harm on me.

Almost.

Popularity: 100% [?]

Jealous Bitching

It’s all a choice.

I have no sympathy or patience for people who can’t control themselves. One way or the other. Anorexic or obese, they are both irresponsible.

It’s not even just a matter of “wanting” it enough, it’s letting yourself be motivated to act in a way reflecting that desire. Being covetous gets you nowhere. Achieve something…. See More

I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum. It’s nothing monumental to let it go “too far” and make it appear that you have a problem to people who don’t have the same motivation.

Obsessed is a word lazy people use to describe the motivated.

I wrote that for a friend on Facebook who mentioned something about anorexia. Watched something on TV about it I guess. She doesn’t seem like she’s anywhere near considering it for herself, but, it’s an issue I’m fairly familiar with and experienced in dealing with it. Not just myself either.

I’ve been involved in a number of pro-ana communities over the years. Do I advocate “picking it up” as a means to lose weight to impress people? No. Not at all. I support people who have already made the decision on their own. There are people out there who are going to do what they are going to do regardless of how good of a hypnotistical brainscrubber you trot yourself to be.

I’m there for THEM.

Anybody willing to effort a change in themselves, to set their goals and do their damn-best-they-can to achieve them is someone I’ll support. I don’t care if there are oodles of established medical records espousing their methods as dangerous or unhealthy. If safe and healthy were a part of their goal, it would be built into their method.

Like it is with mine.

But I won’t villainize anyone for doing differently. There are folks out there losing weight doing their six meals a day, people out there starving themselves, people out there on the treadmill or in the swimming pool all day long running themselves into shallow graves. Bless them all. Fucking dedicated.

And all anyone else does is bitch.

Jealous?

Popularity: 30% [?]

Happy Princess (P1C2B2)

Went to the gym yesterday morning, finally having a dollar for the soda machine.

Fucker was shut off. Logic’d my way into walking across the parking structure under the assumption that, hey, they probably have these for fuckers heading to work. Bam. There it is.

Dollar was too crinkly. I smooth it several times before hoping I have a dollar in my wallet. I try THAT dollar, twice, before the machine lolquits at me (the dollar-accepting thing turns off if you try too many times to prevent sodahax.)

Top floor of parking structure is the one that leads to my gym. I give up my sodaquest and take this loop-way of getting to the gym. There’s one soda machine on this leg of the journey, and it too is shut down.

I make my way in, put my bag on a chair, and dig out my keys (login badge thing is on it) front desk lady is ALWAYS unfailingly nice to me. She asks me how I’m doing and I lie blatantly. She says she’s doing good too.

In the locker room. I’m already wearing gym clothes so I simply deposit my bag. I get some nail clippers out, clipping nails at a counter. I finish, I hear my phone, I go back to the locker. Check messages, okay whatever, back to the counter…

WHEN SUDDENLY, A DOUCHE APPEARS:

D- “Are you going to pick those up?”
Me- “…Why, do you need a snack?”
D- “That’s disgusting.”
Me- “Don’t judge me by what YOU put in YOUR mouth.”
Another guy comes into the locker room, puts a shaker-bottle thing on the counter, goes to his locker.
D- “Don’t use that counter, this kid put his nails all over it.”
Me- “Nevermind that bro, this old fart leaves cocks in his mouth and forgets to swallow.” I sweep the nails into a trash bin that’s put under the counter FOR THIS REASON “Are we happy, princess?”

I got shitty looks from him for the next hour or two I was in the gym.

Day was significantly improved.

Workout B2 for Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Romanian Deadlift

1. 45lbs x 5
2. 70 x 3
3. 90 x 2
4. 115 x 3
5. 110 x 3
6. 105 x 3

5% drops from top set because I didn’t want to increase reps from set to set. Took a note that I was stepping forward to rack the weight with my left foot.

Pulldown

1. 40lbs x 5
2. 55 x 3
3. 75 x 2
4. 95 x 4
5. 85 x 5
6. 75 x 6

10% drops, since this exercise is a 4-6 rep range anyway.

Lateral Raise Machine

1. 30lbs x 5
2. 45 x 3
3. 60 x 2
4. 75 x 4
5. 65 x 5
6. 55 x 6

10% drops, which are HUGE here since I round up. It’s supposed to be a back-off day.

Torso Rotation Machine

1. 30lbs x 5
2. 45 x 3
3. 60 x 2
4. 75 x 4
5. 65 x 7
6. 55 x 10

I actually had this load setup for doing weighted crunches, but I felt myself in a twisty mood. My obliques haven’t been worked lately and I was surprised that I just-as-barely got through them without altering the weights. 15% drops are harder to manage with such low weights. I piled on reps which, in retrospect, is an ass-backwards way of tackling that problem.

Cardio: 20 minutes, 3 incline/ 3.3mph; Heart Rate @ 135bpm @ finish. The ceiling is 150bpm so I can keep increasing the speed… whenever I manage 40 minutes.

Weight: 162lbs.

I was going to test body composition by the personal trainer dwarf snatched up the handzapper. So I’m going to save that for Monday.

Also Monday: I will be deciding how I’m going to progress with this diet. It’s been two cycles, so roughly four weeks. Typically I see folks have their diet phases lasting anywhere from 4-8 weeks unless they’re horrifyingly fatassed. I’m going to fast tomorrow and do some carb-depletion stuff over the weekend to try and dry-out before measuring on Monday.

Body Fat Percentage Results

• 13%+: I’m just going to continue the diet for another cycle. No-prob-bro.
• 11 – 13%: Diet break for one training cycle, then continue the diet and training as I have been.
• <11%: Diet break for one training cycle, then I’m going change everything around to resemble Ultimate Diet 2.

I’ll probably round the results down if I have a convincing decimal or something, but that’s generally where my mind’s at.

Popularity: 5% [?]

Stormy Troll

Oooh boy! It’s been a while hasn’t it, folks?

Well I’ve just been trolled, and I’m here to share! I’m not an actor, if you’re rich, and my lack of celeb-trivia is testament to the fact!

(Formatting added for emphasis, everything was plain-text in chat.)

[10:35pm] Stormy Day:
hi there
[10:36pm] Eric Komans:
Howdy.
[10:37pm] Stormy Day:
so where u from love lol
[10:37pm] Eric Komans:
Cedarburg Wisconsin, dear!
[10:38pm] Stormy Day:
im from wisconsin
when im home that is lol
[10:38pm] Eric Komans:
Same here
[10:39pm] Stormy Day:
im in Brazil right now for work
[10:40pm] Eric Komans:
I’m scrounging up to head back to LA in February.
[10:40pm] Stormy Day:
y to LA
[10:40pm] Eric Komans:
I’m an actor.

And so it begins.

Read the rest of this entry »

Popularity: 42% [?]

Shit Hard

ITT: Why we train.
1) To be more like Batman. Pic Related.
2) To increase chances of survival in zombie apocalypse.
3) To be different from all the fat people in the world.

I like to shit hard.

I mean, I don’t mind when I shit soft, but I like to squat deep and crunch my abs in the bathroom and SCREAM. Just hollar out blood-curling yelps of agony as I fully assault the cauldron with my shitblasts.

Before I trained I would get tired, my legs would quiver and I’d soon find myself seated. No longer. Now I strut into the women’s bathroom (male here) and kick open a stall and just SHIT. I fucking wreck a toilet. You know how sometimes you lean too far forward while shitting explosively that it pellets the entire back of the bowl?

I put my feet on the seat and I spray the WALL. I get the back of the toilet, all over the handle and shit. God damn. I don’t even wipe.

I piss on the toilet paper.

Then I walk out of there, I don’t put my pants back on. I’m layered in my own shit from the hips down and I can’t be getting that in my pants. So what I do is, what I do is I go in to the mens bathroom and I squat (second set) into the sink.

I run some hot water over my buttcrack to rinse off my butt hairs. But I also get some paper towel, and I clean up the other poopsplats that rebounded onto my ankles and such.

That’s what I train for.

Popularity: 6% [?]

not meaning faggot like a dicksucker

So every once in a while I find someone who isn’t quite pleased with the way I behave.

I think we all know somebody like this.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to deal with this person myself. This person was amongst the legion of libelous lunatics linked to L.

Granted, these folks have their share of legitimate accusations. But he doesn’t, which makes him a curious annoyance. Before she decided that she hated me, L’s mother talked to me on the phone once. (And by that I mean “one time” as opposed to “once upon a time.” A single conversation.) She told me this particular son of hers worked in a field with some synergy to my own. I’m a film actor, he is a producer of some sort. Music videos I think she said. I later recall some nonsense about him using his littler-than-the-one-I’m-banging sister for a horror film.

Okay cool. Whatever. But cool. Mom’s trying to establish some sort of common ground to get me to lower my defenses and TALK to her, which I needed and was more clever of her than was probably intentional, but it gave me a reason to add the bastard on Facebook later.

I should note that I have never actually spoken to this guy. All I know about him was the aforementioned film interest, and that he was going to let my girl L live with him to get away from mom when she was old enough to do so.

So basically, until today, a guy I had just assumed was a chill chap confirmed his complete cretinism. An unfortunate disorder, surely:

Kau, kid. I can’t handle that Eric (sp?) kid anymore. For some reason he ended up as my friend and his weird gay shit is pissing me off. You can do what you want, but honestly, if I saw that kid, no teeth. Ever. Sorry kid. Lova ya.

Now, not meaning faggot like a dicksucker. That doesn’t really bother me. He’s just a fag. Major douchenozzle. Waste of space. Sorry if you like him, but damn, he’s the antithesis of a man.

-Jo

He didn’t say this to me, naturally, because he’s a nigger. Now, not meaning nigger like a black person. That doesn’t really bother me. He’s just a jerk. Major picklesniffer. Waste of time. Sorry if you like him, but damn, he actually thinks homosexuality is an insult.

All complaints regarding my personality are of course forwarded to my secretary of slanderous shit. In this case that person was our mutual relation, who graciously defended me:

Ok. 1: You didn’t have to accept the [friend] request! 2. Shut the fuck up about calling people names. Touch him and I will never speak to you again. I’ve tolerated it up to now and enough is enough. I’m sick of everyone bringing him up like that. Forget he ever exists, do something so I don’t have to hear this bullshit and the same goes with talking to him.

If I find you you are talking to him I won’t speak to you. Your immaturity towards this is nonsense.

-L

She’s just great. I love that gal. For all the shit she puts up with just for liking me, she doesn’t seem to place any blame on me and stands by what she believes is true.

That’s a woman, damn it.

Take notes.

I was going to do this whole "Silver Surfer kissing Nova" thing, but I wasn't bald enough.

Popularity: 28% [?]

Jesus Isn’t Even Born Yet

(21:13:41) Jasmine: hi ^^
(21:13:47) Eric: hi
(21:14:53) Jasmine: how are you ^^?
(21:15:31) Eric: relatively okay
(21:15:57) Jasmine: good to know  how was ur day?
(21:16:51) Eric: shit.
(21:17:15) Jasmine: what happend :(
(21:17:20) Jasmine: *hugs you*
(21:18:29) Eric: Gym closed early.
(21:18:47) Jasmine: ?
(21:19:15) Jasmine: is that all?
You are now blocking Jasmine

Stephanie: you dont have to work out every day eric
Eric: No shit. Have I EVER in the past five months that we’ve talked had two days consecutive of working out?
Eric: DON’T BOTHER CHECKING, THE ANSWER IS NO.
Stephanie: well whats the problem then?
Eric: I work out Mondays and Thursdays, and thanks to Christmas wankery, I don’t get to the gym again until Sunday at the earliest.
Stephanie: so go sunday?
Eric: What’s the day after Sunday, again?
Stephanie: the 28th?
You are now blocking Stephanie

Popularity: 3% [?]

YOR LOSIN MUSCLES BRO

Ahah. Brother.

Today was an interesting day at the gym. I overate on carbs last night, couldn’t sleep (one caused the other y’know?) and I had mounting reasons on both sides to both go and not go to the gym today, the major one being some “appointment” with a personal trainer (Andy) I had shoved up my ass on deadlift day earlier this week. I figured rather than try to go back to dreamland and getting kicked out by Mariusz again, I’d man up and go to the gym. So I did.

Despite overeating last night I wolfed down a protein bar before I left for the gym. I’m sure my overall milk protein intake was more than adequate but, hey, whatever. Got into the gym, changed into the usual attire, and weighed in two pounds heavier than earlier this week. Acceptable water difference, especially since I hadn’t fully digested (this means poop) two boxes of granola yet. Especially since I haven’t fasted at all this week, and am probably barely skirting maintenance if I’m anywhere close to it. Moving on before I trick myself into depression.

I mosey on over to the literal center bench (not the most visible bench, a neighboring incline has this distinction) and knock out a few warm-up sets. I notice a familiar blond head darting around me, it’s Lynn, presumably circuit training while she waits for me to fail on my top set so she can swoop in and save my ass. I decide to test this assumption, and deliberately attempt a third rep I know I won’t make. Three Ms. Reps later, and I rack. She grabs my ass while I deload. The peak of my workout.

I later notice some other guy grab her ass, probably her husband, and I debate grabbing his ass but then I realize this isn’t high school and he can probably hit worth a damn.

She introduces me to “Bruce,” we shake hands (grip affirms my disinterest in being punched by the giant,) and he makes some half-snide remark about my sub-100 bench as they leave. Nevertheless, his name is Bruce. I don’t fuck with guys/girls named Bruce.

SO! I go about the rest of my chest, relatively uninterrupted. I note some decent carb-bestowed progress on all three lifts. Recovering from my final set of flys, I think: “Maybe I should do calves. I threw in those cable crunches on back day,” and while calves dissimilarly has no justification (abs stabilize for pretty much anything,) they ARE being neglected.

Today I had a whole depletion program, sans chest since it’s chest day, written out to hopefully offset SOME of the carby damage I’ve dealt myself. Which would have included calves if I hadn’t been interrupted.

Sadly, I only manage to complete lats and delts before my appointment arrives late. He admits it was all his fault though, he’s new, doesn’t understand the area that well or whatever, fine. I was more thrilled with the fact that he didn’t jerk off on my chest, but hey, at least I know if he’s WRONG he’s HONEST (which has the unfortunate result of BELIEVABILITY for the more ignorant trainees out there.)

I was doing empty barbell squats with a little too much enthusiasm and I think I pulled my butt anyway, so let’s chat about fat loss, or whatever.

I Wanna Help You Out Bro: TRAINING

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Popularity: 3% [?]

Jason Doesn’t Know Whore

–noun

1.	a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet.

I’m not saying I don’t see the appeal.

I’m just wondering why guys have to tell me about it.

There’s a lass I text on occasion. Being the vacant vanilla bullshit broad that she is, she will be referred to as “BabyGurl.” She’s a self-admitted tease, has been raped recently, and I’m not dim enough to not associate the behavior with the event. However, I also believe that bitches talk shit. It’s not that I question the likelihood of every girl in the US having been raped by the age of 15. It’s just that, with that kind of prevalence, it’s kind of like me trying to milk being a child of divorce.

Anyway, I’m just ending my evening stroll when someone calls me restricted. I’m not saying it was her, but… come on. His name is “Jason.”

me “Hello?”
Jason “Do you know BabyGurl?”
me “Uh, maybe?”
Jason “She texts you a lot.”
me, still legitimately baffled about whom he’s referring to “Uhhh…”
Jason “She added you on yearbook.”
me, getting a touch fed up “Yeah, okay.”
Jason “I’m going to kill her.”
me “That’s rude.”
Jason “What would you do if I killed her?”
me “Probably never find out about it.”
Jason “What?”
me “I’m a dude off the internet bro, who’s going to inform me of her demise? You? I don’t even know who you are.”
Jason “I’m… uh… Jason.”
me “You’re a shining flower, aren’t you?
Jason “Huh?”
me “You’re a shitting fuck, aren’t you?”

Jason “…What if I just beat the fuck out of her?”
me “Still rude.”
Jason “I beat her before.”
me “Congratulations. You’re a man.”
Jason “Ya. I beat her cuz she wouldn’t have sex with me.”
me “Ooh. A real man.”
Jason “I’m going to rape her right now.”
me “Have fun with that.”

Some time passes after “he” hangs up with me. I’m back inside. I’m on the computer. My pants are off, etc. Texting commences, it’s BabyGurl telling me that he kicked her, he’s chasing her, “I’m hiding.” Whatever. I ask who is doing all of this, she says nevermind and that she has to go. Maybe she just got home and she wants to go take her pants off, too.

Or maybe she doesn’t because she doesn’t take her pants off for anyone. More texts:

“its jason”

me “Okay.”
Jason “do u think BabyGurl ugly?”
me “No.”
Jason “yea she is & don’t u think she fat?”
me “Well if her booty is as ghetto as she claims it is, then probably.”
Jason “would u date her?”
me “Only if she never had sex with me”

Jason “wat did i ask u again?”
me “If I’d marry her or something.”
Jason “u wuld marry her?”
me “Maybe.”
Jason “but u guys would have ugly children cus she ugly”
me “So you are an idiot. Glad we re-established that.”
Jason “i kno i am but u dont care bout her”
me “Are you going to make a point?”

Stupid question.

Jason “no”
me “I didn’t think so.”

Of course not.

Jason “yup me ither bye btw here da damn ugly whore”

I wait a few minutes to see if BabyGurl says some shit. Nothing.

me “Haha. He doesn’t know what a whore is.”

Popularity: 5% [?]

Batman Pillow Talk

There’s an interesting relationship that lies between “dating” and “just fucking.” It’s certainly not “friends with benefits” but it’s definitely not a loveless marriage, either.

The girl I speak of, henceforth, will be referred to as Columbia. We sang through Rocky Horror Picture Show together and have been screwing ever since. It’s that awesome kind of relationship that spawns the following conversation regarding the sorry state of current Bale-era bullshit Batman.

Following the usual activities, we stared at the ceiling and began what is best approximated as pillow-talk spliced with geek. The topic floated gently from the ridiculous mullet-state of my hair (I note that I have this mullet and not that mullet. Can’t tell what difference is? Fuck you, that’s what.) to the inevitable topic of The Bat. You see, Columbia hates Christian Bale. A lot. I think he’s just great.

Postcoital I’ve never argued it again. We move past that and into what’s really concerning her at this point.

Columbia: There’s not really much more they can do with Batman films. Sillybat, Adam West; Burton did Seriousbat; Failbait was Schumacher; and Douchebat is Christian Bale.
Me: They could always bring in Diederich Bader as Batman.
Columbia: OH MY FUCKING YES. AND BRING BACK JIM CARREY!
Me: Always bring back Jim Carrey.
Columbia: Always.

Me: We’re missing a totally different side to Batman in film, though, and given how ‘dark’ we’ve gotten thus far I think it’s appropriate.
Columbia: Serious or silly?
Me: Takes-itself-too-seriously silly. I submit Mickey Rooney as Batman.
Columbia: HAHAHA, PEDOPHILE ANGLE! YES!!
Me: We’re going to get Jim Carrey and Eddie Murphy for all the villains. Except one.
Columbia: Are you going to play one? You cannot be Robin. (She has a very serious face.)
Me: We need someone who can foil Mickey Rooney. We need another old guy.
Columbia: CHRISTOPHER WALKEN!!
Me: Been done, unfortunately, and I can’t be resurrecting all the old actors.
Columbia: So is that why you have Eddie Murphy instead of Carl Weathers?
Me: Well, mostly.

Columbia: You don’t think Carl Weathers would be an awesome Killer Croc?
Me: …That’s a good point, I guess.
Columbia: You guess?
Me: I mean, sure he’s got the girth now, as well as obvious muscularity underneath it to drive home the fact that he’s strong as hell, but…
Columbia: What?
Me: Mickey Rooney is Batman.
Columbia: So?
Me: I’m going to have to make them dub eachother’s lines. If this were a legitimate movie I would definitely rather have Rooney voice Jones.
Columbia: If you’re going to do voice over anyway, Killer Croc should be CGI.
Me: And model it from Carl Weathers?
Columbia: Samuel L. Jackson is Nick Fury.
Me: But that’s an insult to Nick Fury. (She hates SamJack.)
Columbia: Carl Weathers is not an insult to Killer Croc.
Me: Weathers deserves better than Croc.
Columbia: So you’re going to have Weathers in the movie then?
Me: NO. DAMN IT.

Columbia: So who is the mystery foil, then?
Me: Batman’s most powerful antagonist ever.
Columbia: Who, or what?
Me: One word. DIABEETUS.

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