Batman Pillow Talk

There’s an interesting relationship that lies between “dating” and “just fucking.” It’s certainly not “friends with benefits” but it’s definitely not a loveless marriage, either.

The girl I speak of, henceforth, will be referred to as Columbia. We sang through Rocky Horror Picture Show together and have been screwing ever since. It’s that awesome kind of relationship that spawns the following conversation regarding the sorry state of current Bale-era bullshit Batman.

Following the usual activities, we stared at the ceiling and began what is best approximated as pillow-talk spliced with geek. The topic floated gently from the ridiculous mullet-state of my hair (I note that I have this mullet and not that mullet. Can’t tell what difference is? Fuck you, that’s what.) to the inevitable topic of The Bat. You see, Columbia hates Christian Bale. A lot. I think he’s just great.

Postcoital I’ve never argued it again. We move past that and into what’s really concerning her at this point.

Columbia: There’s not really much more they can do with Batman films. Sillybat, Adam West; Burton did Seriousbat; Failbait was Schumacher; and Douchebat is Christian Bale.
Me: They could always bring in Diederich Bader as Batman.
Columbia: OH MY FUCKING YES. AND BRING BACK JIM CARREY!
Me: Always bring back Jim Carrey.
Columbia: Always.

Me: We’re missing a totally different side to Batman in film, though, and given how ‘dark’ we’ve gotten thus far I think it’s appropriate.
Columbia: Serious or silly?
Me: Takes-itself-too-seriously silly. I submit Mickey Rooney as Batman.
Columbia: HAHAHA, PEDOPHILE ANGLE! YES!!
Me: We’re going to get Jim Carrey and Eddie Murphy for all the villains. Except one.
Columbia: Are you going to play one? You cannot be Robin. (She has a very serious face.)
Me: We need someone who can foil Mickey Rooney. We need another old guy.
Columbia: CHRISTOPHER WALKEN!!
Me: Been done, unfortunately, and I can’t be resurrecting all the old actors.
Columbia: So is that why you have Eddie Murphy instead of Carl Weathers?
Me: Well, mostly.

Columbia: You don’t think Carl Weathers would be an awesome Killer Croc?
Me: …That’s a good point, I guess.
Columbia: You guess?
Me: I mean, sure he’s got the girth now, as well as obvious muscularity underneath it to drive home the fact that he’s strong as hell, but…
Columbia: What?
Me: Mickey Rooney is Batman.
Columbia: So?
Me: I’m going to have to make them dub eachother’s lines. If this were a legitimate movie I would definitely rather have Rooney voice Jones.
Columbia: If you’re going to do voice over anyway, Killer Croc should be CGI.
Me: And model it from Carl Weathers?
Columbia: Samuel L. Jackson is Nick Fury.
Me: But that’s an insult to Nick Fury. (She hates SamJack.)
Columbia: Carl Weathers is not an insult to Killer Croc.
Me: Weathers deserves better than Croc.
Columbia: So you’re going to have Weathers in the movie then?
Me: NO. DAMN IT.

Columbia: So who is the mystery foil, then?
Me: Batman’s most powerful antagonist ever.
Columbia: Who, or what?
Me: One word. DIABEETUS.

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