feels so good man

Write a story in ten words or less.

I didn’t want to go with, but we all died.

I had two stacked, so I just used both since they’re by the same author:

“he was determined,”
“streets of Boston,”

(William Goldman: The Princess Bride; The Temple of Gold, respectively.)

click to enlarge

So answer me this: If you are heading for battle and can chose one weapon and one armor set, which ones would you chose and why?

Axe and plate, sell plate, enchant axe with armor money.

Halberd and plate, sell both, buy spell components.

I wasn’t told what class I’m playing, I don’t want to buy spell components if I can’t cast anything y’know?

That’s a little too real-life for me.

If you could turn an American TV show into anime, which one would it be?

Twin Peaks.

Maybe Freaks & Geeks.

Lost the template. Oh well.

Holy shit. I am my own sitcom/shōnen series cast.

being fit is kinda gay sometimes chunky friends will compare our arms and mine is like in inch bigger then his he says “not bad considering i dont work out huh?” i tell him part of the size of his arm is fat he gets pissed off and tells me to stop being cocky then skinny friends try and brag about there fatless body then they get pissed when i say they are also muscleless wtf? /fit/ should i just get ing shape friends?

tl;dr- why are fat/really skinny people sensitive douches?

If you never experience DOMS, your pain threshold never goes up, and silly things like WORDS hurt.

A nigger points a gun at you in an alley and forces you to have sex with one Disney prince/Hero

who would you choose?

Pick one!

BREAKING IT DOWN BY ROWS:

Eric > Aladdin

Naveen < Shang

Phillip > Tarzan (I LOVE Tarzan; I HATE dreadlocks. Sorry!)

Charming < Adam (since he’s not in Beastmode…)

Zyzz > Tiny [but both are disqualified]

ROUND TWO:

Eric > Shang

Phillip > Adam

Eric and Shang are, I think, pretty evenly matched. Eric has definitely ACCOMPLISHED more, and is prettier. And he didn’t totally beta-out when he found out his chick was a fish, either. Shang flipped shit when he found out his mancrush was a reverse-trap. Sad.

Phillip don’t take shit from sorceresses. Adam can’t say the same. Failure. (Adam would have been a better match-up with Tarzan, since they both fucked up bravado men-of-action. Adam would still lose, though. Tarzan wrestle gorilla, Tarzan stylin’ on Beast.)

FINAL ROUND:

Eric > Phillip

I love Maleficent. I really do. But she just does not hold a candle to the stage presence of Ursula. And that’s really how their respective battles looked: Phillip is on a stage, we see the two great powers (jealousy and true love) clash, and a power move wins the day.

While Prince Eric has clearly just gotten off a Die Hard kick. He’s on a boat and doesn’t afraid of anything. Only Hercules had foes in greater scale (and number of them, at that) but Eric hasn’t got any powers and sorely-limited magical assistance, just a couple levels in Badass and Refusal To Take Shit perks.

I’d tap that.

I want to know how YOU clean yourself after a bowel movement.

Do you use TP, damp TP, soap, a bidet/sprayer, etc.

As well as wiping technique, standing/sitting, folded/wadded, do you clean inside, and so on.

I just use my fingers, digging in with whichever finger I’ve extracted my fingernail from that halfmonth and circling in either a clockwise (left hand) or counter-clockwise (right hand) motion to scrape the inside of my anus with my finger.

Then I curl the finger slightly and extract the scraped-wall shit and either flick it into the toilet, if it doesn’t just slide down into my palm, or scrape it on the underside of the seat. I lift the seat somewhat to allow more storage space. I squat.

It helps me to remember to wash my hands before I leave, though sometimes I use the sink to wash out my butthole (same procedure only now with slightly warm water), and in those cases I’m tired of using the sink after all that work and I just leave it like that.

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Shit Hard

ITT: Why we train.
1) To be more like Batman. Pic Related.
2) To increase chances of survival in zombie apocalypse.
3) To be different from all the fat people in the world.

I like to shit hard.

I mean, I don’t mind when I shit soft, but I like to squat deep and crunch my abs in the bathroom and SCREAM. Just hollar out blood-curling yelps of agony as I fully assault the cauldron with my shitblasts.

Before I trained I would get tired, my legs would quiver and I’d soon find myself seated. No longer. Now I strut into the women’s bathroom (male here) and kick open a stall and just SHIT. I fucking wreck a toilet. You know how sometimes you lean too far forward while shitting explosively that it pellets the entire back of the bowl?

I put my feet on the seat and I spray the WALL. I get the back of the toilet, all over the handle and shit. God damn. I don’t even wipe.

I piss on the toilet paper.

Then I walk out of there, I don’t put my pants back on. I’m layered in my own shit from the hips down and I can’t be getting that in my pants. So what I do is, what I do is I go in to the mens bathroom and I squat (second set) into the sink.

I run some hot water over my buttcrack to rinse off my butt hairs. But I also get some paper towel, and I clean up the other poopsplats that rebounded onto my ankles and such.

That’s what I train for.

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Moving the Blood Around

I haven’t been feeling so well lately, though I haven’t missed workouts because of it, it’s been making me feel obligated to eat a bit more, and this is bothersome.

Especially combined with constipation.

I have this mental habit of not allowing myself to vomit. I used to eat competitively (derp) and it’s just reflexive. Like those girls who deepthroat for a living get over their gag reflex, I can put a lot down my throat for the win.

So I’m just going to post up two workouts and leave it at that.

Workout for Thursday, March 4, 2010

This is a sequel workout to the one from “Show Prep.” I designed a full body workout for myself of moderate intensity for those days I’m just not feeling it. Those days I can’t lift heavy as a bitch nor have the stamina for a legitimate depletion workout.

After lifting poorly on Tuesday my deadlift muscles (lol, mostly lower back) were killing me and I decided to do some cardio at the end as well. So I skipped direct leg or ab work, aside from calf raises. I figured maybe getting the blood moving would relieve some soreness and make me feel okay about having more carbs that night.

Which I did.

• Calf Raise: [Warm-up: 2x5@15; 3@20; 2@45] 4×12 @ 60lbs. (increase) ~ left foot hurt like crazy afterward, but went away ten minutes later

• Chest Press: [Warm-up: 3@20; 2@25] 2×12 @ 30lbs. (increase)

• Pulldown: [Warm-up: 3@15; 2@25] 2×12 @ 40lbs. (really easy but felt GREAT; increase)

• Incline Chest Press: 2×12 @ 30lbs. (I didn’t make a note of difficulty, I’m going to increase it though)

• DB Curl: 2×12 @ 8lbs. (pretty easy until the last four reps; increasing)

• Cable Extension: 2×12 @ 7.5lbs/arm (significant effort on the last reps; not sure I want to increase it, given the exhaustion from pressing. I’m going to, though.)

Cardio: Bike, level 3, 25 minutes. Ending heart rate was about 123. I forgot to write down kcals or distance, but it actually started feeling like I was riding a bike. I’m going to go for increased time at the same level, next workout.

My body weight was 165lbs. Jesus. I need to poop.

I didn’t bother checking my body fat percentage.

The workout in total took just over an hour.

Workout for Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I felt absolutely horrible on Monday, and Tuesday was only just enough better to convince myself that I have no excuses to be missing workouts.

I paid for that.

Deadlift

1. 70lbs. x 5; hook-grip hang
2. 70lbs. x 5; h-gh
3. 105lbs. x 3; h-gh
4. 150lbs. x 2; from floor, hook-grip. Grip slipped though and became barely-overhand. Should have taken this as a sign. Thought nothing of it at the time.
5. 185lbs. x 1 (goal was five); fml right hand under

This coolbro doing squats next to me chatted about leg power with me. He was half-squatting 405lbs. for reps (I asked, and he said it felt like a house, which is absolutely true) so I didn’t really, you know, argue with him. I was also dying. Apparently he felt the same way, but we shitgrinningly optimistic’d through it and shook hands and introduced ourselves.

His name is Keen, and he’s apparently been seeing me come in consistently for a while. Good for him! I’ve never seen him before.

Nice guy though. I saw him leaning on the stick I use for shoulder dislocations and told him that “if you can’t walk on your own, man, you’re pressing too much!” (He had moved o nto doing bropressive amounts on that machine.) He laughed it off and proved he was okay.

Incline Bench

1. 45lbs. x 5
2. 45lbs. x 5
3. 45lbs. x 5
4. 60lbs. x 3
5. 80lbs. x 2 – started to feel ‘wrong’
6. 90lbs. x 1

I definitely got the weight up, but I didn’t feel right about the form I was using. I might not have been entirely wrong, or it could have been right, but I had my suspicions and I wasn’t about to make a bad thing worse. I proved to myself that my maximal strength is there, felt uneasy, and I stopped.

I think if I had done less warm-ups on my incline and rested a little longer I could have gotten all four of the reps I set up for myself today.

I did not fiddle with my loading to account for feeling unwell, I just loaded as usual and… essentially: if the way I’m feeling is just in my head, well, it’s infecting my confidence under the bar, too.

Hi-Lo Twists

1. 20lbs. x 5
2. 20lbs. x 5
3. 30lbs. x 4 ~ ugh, someone snags the other pulley. I like to check form in the mirror!
4. 40lbs. x 3
5. 50lbs. x 5 (excellence; increase)

I did more warm-up reps than I should have, but I was determined to get at least one of my exercises right today.

Which I totally did. Rawksome.

Cardio: Bike, level 2, 30 minutes, 5.12miles, 145kcal, average HR 120-125, even easier than the previous workout.

Weight: 160lbs.; 19.3% body fat (full of shit)

Workout took about an hour and a half of my life.

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Fasted-State Workout

All right everybody. Fasted workout is a blast.

I was a bit worried about weighing myself this afternoon (got to the gym a little later than I would have liked, but oh well) because fasting has left me a little… deficient in the fiber category, let’s say.

Last night I supplemented some fiber as well as some magnesium. Got rid of a week’s worth this morning. Felt like a workout in itself

I weighed in a 163lbs. and 19.5% bodyfat. I suspect a lot of water loss here, and it does edge my lean mass closer to 130 than 135, but I’m not worried. I’ve had carb-depletion phases in the past that have done the same thing to me.

All my lifts went up, so maybe I’m just optimistic for that reason. Bodyweight go down + lifts go up = Happy Eric!

Dynamic Warm-up
I warm up for upper and lower back independently (I don’t do a warm-up on the rows), but before I do my first warm-up set with deadlifts, I do 20 shoulder circles and 20 leg swings, each limb.

Deadlift

1. 1×2 @ 200lbs. (left under)
2. 1×3 @ 180lbs. (left over)
3. 1×4 @ 160lbs. (left under)

Chin Assist

1. 1×5 @ 50lbs. offset
2. 1×4 @ 60lbs. offset (I don’t think I’m jumping down far enough)
3. 1×6 @ 85lbs. offset (this felt like enough but I was FINISHED)

Horizontal Row
3×5 @ 70lbs.

No cardio today. Dad was nice enough to go out of his way to take me to the gym after mom ditched me this morning, and I didn’t want to him waiting. Nor do I like to spend more time than I have to in the gym after deadlifting, so… heh

While I was getting a breather at the chin station, I overheard this (ERC = me):

…so then I did my chins.

And my girlfriend called to ask me to help her with her training when she gets her car. I have no idea how people, who have no idea what my training schedule is, still manage to call me with fitness concerns while I’m dealing with my own. Story for another time.

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Full-Belly Workouts

I think I should stop having a bowl of oatmeal before I workout. It’s fucking up my bodyfat readings. Not to say I’m NOT a lardass, but the meter is essentially laughing at me as hard as I was laughed at in middle school. It saddens me.

10/8/09
Deadlift – 1 x 1 @ 195lbs. (left hand under, after failing a right-under of 205lbs.)
Bench – 1 x 4 @ 95lbs.

So next workout I bump up the Deadlift and Bench stays the same.

BW: 171lbs.
Fat%: 19.3lbs. (33lbs.)

10/14/09
Squat – 1 x 5 @ 195lbs.
Press – 1 x 2 @ 70lbs. (FUCK!)
HamChin – 1 x 5 @ 55lbs. offset (114lbs lifted; since I’m the same weight I was the last time I attempted this lift, I got the final rep I wanted, yay!)

Weight: 169lbs.
Fat%: 22.8% (38.5lbs)

See, this is why I shouldn’t eat a big bowl of oats before a workout. Not only when I breathe deep do my lungs expand fully, push down my organs, and make me feel like I should shit right there in the squat rack, but it bumps my bodyfat up too! Waah! I don’t really know how to do the math for this! So I gained nearly six pounds of fat and lost… seven and a half pounds of muscle. What the fuck? /sarcasm

At any rate, I need to get my diet in order. I think I’m going to change to something a little more staggered, where the majority of my calories are eaten on training days. I know that retained water artificially inflates my bodyfat “score” but I’m not going to be doing any bizarre glyco-deplete bullshit until at least a month from now.

Invoking Katch-McArdle: 370 + (21.6 x 58.725) = 1638

Multiplied by an activity factor of 1.375 leads me to 2252 calories for daily maintenance.  Suddenly the weight gain doesn’t seem so implausible =\

Anyway, I’m going to be eating at maintenance on training days ONLY, and dropping to 30% of that on days I don’t train. As much as I hate to diet by percent, I’m going to just for the sake of daily adjustments/sanity. Fat/carbs/protein; 20/50/30.

Using today as an example: I eat as close to 2252 calories as I can without going over and with getting at least 169g protein.

Tomorrow, I’ll assume nothing has changed, and use “yesterday” values: 2252 – 30% = 1576, with 118g protein and 197g carbs.

And then Friday I go to the gym again, so I’ll re-weigh and re-measure accordingly. I’m going to try to go in without a carb meal (maybe just some eggs or a proshake or something), it won’t fully deplete me or anything but I hope to get a more accurate reading nonetheless. Then I’ll use that to calculate for that day, which will be hard to manage if I don’t get to my dad’s house for fooding up, and then for the low days following all the way to Monday.

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Jason Doesn’t Know Whore

–noun

1.	a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet.

I’m not saying I don’t see the appeal.

I’m just wondering why guys have to tell me about it.

There’s a lass I text on occasion. Being the vacant vanilla bullshit broad that she is, she will be referred to as “BabyGurl.” She’s a self-admitted tease, has been raped recently, and I’m not dim enough to not associate the behavior with the event. However, I also believe that bitches talk shit. It’s not that I question the likelihood of every girl in the US having been raped by the age of 15. It’s just that, with that kind of prevalence, it’s kind of like me trying to milk being a child of divorce.

Anyway, I’m just ending my evening stroll when someone calls me restricted. I’m not saying it was her, but… come on. His name is “Jason.”

me “Hello?”
Jason “Do you know BabyGurl?”
me “Uh, maybe?”
Jason “She texts you a lot.”
me, still legitimately baffled about whom he’s referring to “Uhhh…”
Jason “She added you on yearbook.”
me, getting a touch fed up “Yeah, okay.”
Jason “I’m going to kill her.”
me “That’s rude.”
Jason “What would you do if I killed her?”
me “Probably never find out about it.”
Jason “What?”
me “I’m a dude off the internet bro, who’s going to inform me of her demise? You? I don’t even know who you are.”
Jason “I’m… uh… Jason.”
me “You’re a shining flower, aren’t you?
Jason “Huh?”
me “You’re a shitting fuck, aren’t you?”

Jason “…What if I just beat the fuck out of her?”
me “Still rude.”
Jason “I beat her before.”
me “Congratulations. You’re a man.”
Jason “Ya. I beat her cuz she wouldn’t have sex with me.”
me “Ooh. A real man.”
Jason “I’m going to rape her right now.”
me “Have fun with that.”

Some time passes after “he” hangs up with me. I’m back inside. I’m on the computer. My pants are off, etc. Texting commences, it’s BabyGurl telling me that he kicked her, he’s chasing her, “I’m hiding.” Whatever. I ask who is doing all of this, she says nevermind and that she has to go. Maybe she just got home and she wants to go take her pants off, too.

Or maybe she doesn’t because she doesn’t take her pants off for anyone. More texts:

“its jason”

me “Okay.”
Jason “do u think BabyGurl ugly?”
me “No.”
Jason “yea she is & don’t u think she fat?”
me “Well if her booty is as ghetto as she claims it is, then probably.”
Jason “would u date her?”
me “Only if she never had sex with me”

Jason “wat did i ask u again?”
me “If I’d marry her or something.”
Jason “u wuld marry her?”
me “Maybe.”
Jason “but u guys would have ugly children cus she ugly”
me “So you are an idiot. Glad we re-established that.”
Jason “i kno i am but u dont care bout her”
me “Are you going to make a point?”

Stupid question.

Jason “no”
me “I didn’t think so.”

Of course not.

Jason “yup me ither bye btw here da damn ugly whore”

I wait a few minutes to see if BabyGurl says some shit. Nothing.

me “Haha. He doesn’t know what a whore is.”

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